Thirty four years ago (give or take) I started on a path that was all encompassing, paid nothing monetarily, was physically painful, made me sleepless (for literally YEARS), was terribly expensive, confined my movement in the world, forced me to stretch beyond what I thought I could ever manage in all ways … and did not garner me any real obvious “success” or cultural stability. In fact, the only way to know if I’ve done a good job is if the objects of my focus all left me and didn’t really turn back.
My career – my life path (one that I didn’t consciously choose, but something that “happened” to me) was Motherhood.
2015 will be the first year that I do not have a child living with me since 1980 and the first year where how I conduct my life is up to me alone. Not my children or a man; just myself. Staggering feelings accompany this freedom and I’m finding myself at times elated, then in tears.
What I know is that everything that’s occurred to me has led me here and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid. Sometimes I am scared but because I know that nothing happens that I can’t deal with, I just shake in my knees while I continue to move in the direction that I feel guided to go.
In 2008 I lost just about everything; the mortgage on the home where I raised my children was almost upside down, my career as a business consultant & coach suddenly ended and my lover left me – all in a four month period of time. I knew that I had asked for it, but that didn’t make it any easier.
My relationship with Source has always been strong and when things were rough, I would turn there for comfort, companionship and directions. That year I sensed that things were changing, but my resistance was strong and that seemed like a major issue. One night, during my quiet time I said a powerful prayer to release all resistance.
Um… I don’t recommend that prayer, unless you are ready for a lot of change all at once. On the other hand, my relationship with Source ultimately became bullet proof.
The home got sold, thank the Goddess… my career changed, the man I loved returned (and I took him back) and my children still loved me. But I was completely different, even though the most important parts of my life were still intact. My sense of purpose shifted, as all that difficulty showed me exactly what my gifts really were.
The last part of all this change was the niggling “knowing” that I needed to leave California and start over. Again. But not until my youngest son found his way out out to the wider world. Some 6 years later, everything fell into place for a major move to occur… and “here me are”!
The San Francisco Peaks… Sacred to the Hopi and one of my views from our home now.
Many years ago, some intuitive woman said to me (she was a Native American shaman) that for all my gifts to be realized, I would one day live under the San Francisco Peaks in Arizona. At the time I thought she was bonkers, as I couldn’t imagine that ever happening. At the time I was married to my first husband and we lived in Pennsylvania. Arizona was “so” not in the plan of our lives. But, obviously that part of my life changed and we all ended up in California.
Last year, during the holidays, we took a trip to Flagstaff. First Rob left the coast and went winter climbing with Mahina, then I caught up with him in Flagstaff.
Winter, really cold and thoroughly perfect! We both fell in love with this little mountain town.
Then, a series of events happened, that all coalesced into the ability to finally live under these sacred mountains. First, I learned that my job of 6 years was going to be “eliminated”. Second, we lost the lease on the rental we’d lived in for 3 years. Third, my youngest son decided to leave California and start his life up on Maui.
Again in a period of a few months, the stabilizing elements of my physical life were all thrown into complete disarray. It crossed my mind that I couldn’t bear to leave my children, those still in Santa Cruz and my beloved community of friends, who are my extended family. But the call to come to this place was so strong, it couldn’t be ignored…
Now, I keep hearing my little children’s voices saying, “HERE ME ARE”. Basking in the sense of “all is well” even though everything is so new and different… I’m constantly lost when in town, rarely can find the post office and unsure of how to get most places… but it does feel like home.
There’s that old saying, “home is where the heart is” so I have to surmise that my heart is vast. At the very least it lives in California, Hawaii and Pennsylvania with all my children and their families… and now in Flagstaff with my lover and our animals.
My new life is calling me… out into the tall, tall sky where I will listen and continue to act as a resource to Source… one of many who are here to be love, share love, know love.