“It’s not all for nothing, all that you do. The nights where you didn’t sleep or woke up early to work on others for us, it’s not for nothing. Everything anyone does while being in their divine self is powerful… and often there is no evidence that you did anything..
The people you encounter, the disturbances you suffer from, the tragedies you experience – they aren’t meant to give you some information about having done something wrong. Never that… at least if you are listening and responding to your life with integrity. The missteps and stumbles, the miscommunications and even anger are all your experience for the sole reason for you to expand.” This was the communication I received in relation to my questions of late, to Source. My life has brought me to my knees again… a little bit.
Last night, after a day of unbelievable communication with our former landlords, I finally put myself to bed… and fell asleep, only to be rudely awakened by a fucking bug flying into my ear! Our new home is somewhat tired, so there are few screens that don’t have holes in them or faulty seals & a HUGE pile of horse poop left by the former tenants.
There isn’t a front door screen at all, so it’s stifling in the house at night because we can’t open the door for any ventilation. Even with the door closed, all the windows allow for any number of small to large moths, flies, beetles, mosquitoes… you name it, to come barreling into the house seeking any light that happens to be on. Even the small “night lite” in a lower outlet near the kitchen is the scene of a nightly massacre, as they all focus on that small light until they die. But every morning, I have to clean up the mess of bug carcasses.
My two salukis, who were peacefully sleeping on the bed, were rudely awakened by me launching me out of bed, swearing like a sailor as the awful buzzing and whirring went on in my head! After what seemed forever, I realized that it was in there to stay, so I loaded my ear up with oil and killed it. At least the buzzing stopped, but the bathroom looked like someone had turned a blender on high! Everything on the counters or anywhere in the vicinity of me was strewn and upset by my frantic efforts to dislodge the wayward bug.
After all that, sleep was elusive. Resigned to my sleepless state, I poured a shot of whiskey and went outside into the night air, wondering…. “What did I do to create this!”.
It wasn’t just the bug in my ear (which is still in there, I think) that had me sleepless, it was the email from the old landlord. He and his wife communicated to us that we left their home a wreck! Shocking to receive this message, as our tenancy was terrifically difficult because the state of their home upon our occupancy was bad, the grounds as well and there must’ve been a number of acres there.
The email initially made me really angry, then I accepted that we had dueling perspectives… they believe one thing, we another. I have a choice… be defensive, angry, offended… all kinds of negative emotions that just feel bad, or use this as a means to further expand my awareness.
Not – “Why did this happen?” but “Who can I become because this happened?” Life throws curve balls all the time, just like a fly in my ear. I can question what I did to “create” something, or I can trust that the situation is a function of some part of my creative ability and it has a purpose that is supportive, rather than detracting – if I approach it with expansion in mind.
Early this month, a dear friend of mine got the news that her husband was killed in a car accident on his way home from a weekend away. She is completely crushed and there’s nothing anyone can do to alleviate her pain. Nothing. In fact, most of her community and even those who aren’t close to her find themselves in tears about it. Why him? Why such a loss for her and their children…? He was a great man, husband and father… Why does he die and not the guy who is abusive and terrible? Why is life so fucking unfair?
A bug in my ear or a clueless landlord are nothing in the face of this… but upsetting to me and my equilibrium.
So, what should one do when life throws a curve ball, large or small?
For me, sinking into prayer is the way to manage anything I’m struggling with. That doesn’t mean I literally get on my knees and mumble incantations, it means that I sink into my ongoing dialog with Source and ask questions and offer gratitude. It soothes me instantly and in time, I do get answers.
At the heart of the matter is me, living my life from my physical perspective and my non-physical perspective. The value of my physical experience is that this is where my dreams are born. Through the contrast of my life I’m able to define more of what I want. The value of my non-physical perspective is that there is nothing really “wrong” there, everything just is.
With the bug, I learned that I really want a orderly home with secure windows and doors… and the landlord issue forced me to surrender to the fact that I must be holding a few of the qualities that I accuse them of having; a victim mindset, a sense of superiority and a lack of accountability… They are certainly buried somewhere and they all need to be cleared. Both experiences stimulates my desire for my own home again. I’m now aware that I really want to buy another home and never have to rent again! Cool.
The heart of the matter is usually full of things of the heart. The pain creates opening and healing… but I have to accept responsibility for everything in order for that to really occur. That’s the hard part.
It’s not about “fault”, only responsibility.
“This too shall pass” is a lovely way to look at struggle… and one more step is possessing the willingness for reflection and maintaining our divine presence… while time passes.
