Over the years of life, the one thing I continue to find is that I am often incorrect about what’s ‘right’ and what’s ‘wrong’. Generally, given time and faith, the truth will emerge, but generally it’s difficult to be honest and people will hang on to what they believe, spread rumors as fact and keep narratives alive about someone’s character, long after they have outgrown something.
As a young mother of 5 in the middle of the 90’s, I finally decided to leave my marriage. There wasn’t a specific ‘reason’ to leave, but years of broken promises kept pointing me towards the door to divorce. Namely, my marriage suffered from a lack of truth and both of us were guilty of it.
What happened next was hard. In my quest for freedom, I engaged in incredible amounts of magical thinking, side stepped compassion towards my former husband’s feelings, bumped up against tremendous gossip about me and my lifestyle and struggled to keep my children safe from all the adult missteps and childish behavior.
It was a mess and in looking back, I was responsible. Sure, my kids’ dad had a part, but I found what he did or didn’t do made no difference in the long run. My life was up to me, so the sooner I took responsibility, the sooner I would have peace.
This was a hard won perspective to cultivate.
The dream of ‘happily ever after’ once I married my husband, was destroyed less than 6 months into our relationship. With a broken heart, I slogged through and kept re-emerging again & again, into our slowly eroding relationship.
In truth, that was the beginning of the end for me, as the faith and trust in our love totally dissolved. We had a messed up relationship based on expectation, not truth. And we did genuinely love each other… madly, but we lost trust.
Without mutual respect and an honoring of our commitments to each other, all we were left with were empty promises and assumptions neither of us could satisfy for the other.
My method for handling the divorce was terrible, but I didn’t have a play book for this. My own parents’ divorce was an exercise in abandonment by my father, who fell in love with my coach and left my mother and all his kids without a backward glance. Then he proceeded to blame my mother, make her 100% responsible and gave her nothing to help raise their 5 daughters. That was what I’d lived through and my response to my own divorce was initially informed by my history.
Subsequently and over time, the only way I could rise up from the flames of my life was through admitting to myself where I was ‘wrong’ and take full responsibility for my life. When it no longer mattered what ‘he did’ or ‘what he said’, I reclaimed something profound. Personal agency.
One of my kids is going through a divorce, with all the attendant struggles divorce brings. He made a slew of bad choices while married and has the result of those choices to sort out now. Although I have a great deal of love for his former wife, I have chosen to remain 100% available to my son, to help him recover, while maintaining my availability and love towards her.
Through all these months, I have watched people within the family, old friends and many other members of the extended community, persist in placing the responsibility for the end of this marriage squarely my son’s shoulders.
If the entire community involved were focused on healing, not blame, how would all this shake down? Would both my son and his children’s mother heal and recover? Would the children be embraced with consistency at every turn? Would the community experience healing?
What has occurred, instead, is a great deal of ‘new age’ magical thinking, blame and deflection, tons of secrets and lies; all of which have the opposite effect. The fall out for this, is peace for the little ones. The offspring of this union.
My granddaughter how she feels about all this and had tears in her eyes, as she talked about her Papa and how people treat him. People she loves.
After a moment of disbelief, I realized my job was to be myself — and no one else, so I listened and comforted her. Not by making people ‘wrong’ but encouraging her to continue to love everyone anyway. My prayer is she knows it’s key for her to recognize that what feels best to her, is best for her.
In truth, I was horrified and my heart ached for my son.
Yes, they both made a ton of mistakes, but the public crucifixion of my son is so typical and so hurtful. Are we going to limit each other entirely? Is it reasonable to allow everyone a chance to grow and heal and move forward with a new form to relationships with love intact? In this scenario, it appears we must have a villain and a victim.
In truth, my son is healing. He is learning where he stepped ‘wrong’ and is moving into better ways of being. He knows this is for his own good & why he is doing this.
No one is blamed and everyone is allowed the space to grow.
As in my own experience, I know both of them have a part in the end of their marriage and both have changes to make. For now, I have to continue to encourage my child to be responsible.
In divorce, no matter who did what to the other, none of it is important. What’s important is to keep the children’s needs in focus. Ultimately, I had to suck it up and find the love to care enough for my kids’ father, to put aside all the things he did that hurt me. Deep down, I had to remember that he was my children’s father and both of us being in their lives was important. For them.
Time is often the best medicine, while accountability the balm for healing. We learn, hopefully, how to be better in life. Yet, I see so many humans avoid growth to remain ‘right’.
In this life, I’ve learned that being ‘wrong’ and owning it, has been far more expansive.
This year, 2018, is coming to a close. My lover and I took to the western to midwestern highways for a visit to his family and I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on this past year, which has been many things.
Several of my children have had impactful and harrowing times of depression, illness, loss and betrayal (when one has many children, there are a lot more opportunities for growth). There are a number of people I’ve known for many years, who I’ve discovered, are not people I want in my life in a deep way. The personal, up close stuff and it often seems the world is unraveling in a significant ways.
There is a thread of consistency in 2018 that points to uncovering infection and clearing the debris away. Clean and clear methods for moving, but not without some deep introspection on best actions to take for expansion.
There’s another phenomenon I’ve noticed this year, more than other years prior to this. The onslaught of “experts” in teaching and direction towards “alignment” and “psychic attunement”.
After a weekend workshop, or a six week course… or maybe a week long “immersion into the 5th dimension”, now thousands of neophytes are suddenly experts and can charge enormous prices for their “expert” coaching.
After almost 4 decades of study, experience, life and teaching the skills of awareness, I don’t consider myself an expert in YOUR life and cannot — in good conscience — portray my work, or myself in this way. But now, there are those in their first decades of life who are confidently presenting themselves this way.
Much like the current president, who has NO experience as a public servant, but portrays himself as a leader to lead all others, we have this in my profession also.
There is a danger in this kind of offering, in that without years of experience, practice and study, one is not able to offer true clarity to others and can do great harm to seekers of truth by inciting their fears of unworthiness, while promising “healing and awareness” with that edge of “complete alignment” to others.
Trendy, shallow and a dangerous direction to follow, in my opinion. This kind of off handed understanding can do much more harm than good. First of all, being a spiritual guide or “energy reader” does not mean that lighting some sage and doing a “clearing” will rid your clients of anything, other than a little bit of surface tension.
Nothing of merit comes from someone telling you the main problem you have is that you’re “out of alignment” or there are evil energies surrounding you that are taking you off track.
Then paying sometimes 10’s of thousands of dollars for their advice is ludicrous, yet it’s all over the internet. And worse, many people are taking this as all they need to become their own expert and offer up the same shallow and uneducated perspective to paying clients; forget that they’ve still not been able to resolve their own shit yet.
This is no different than hiring someone to do an important job who has little to no experience ever truly doing it. Can they know what’s troubling you, when they can’t decipher their own spiritual failings? Are they simply regurgitating others’ information with a few tweaks here and there, to make that information seem unique?
Being psychic is no fun, if you’re truly gifted with that skill. First you’ll deny it, hide from it, minimize it and avoid it. Mostly, you simply want to fit in to society, but when your inside voice is muddled with other people’s voices, it can make you feel like a total crazy person.
Everyone has empathy. EVERYONE… so deciding that this is a gift, unique to you, is absurd — yet according to many online sites, this is your ticket into psychic attunement…
Becoming more aware is important but it’s not and shouldn’t be a marketing angle to take after a few hours of study. You are not an expert and are being irresponsible when you tout yourself as one.
What if your client is truly suffering from an energy invasion? Do you really have the connection to Source to help them, as this is how that’s accomplished not by you — EVER. And when confronted with something dark, can you confidently state that you know what to do about it?
In this profession, I’ve had clients who needed something different than my teaching and I referred them to other professionals. They were clinically depressed or anxious and needed psychiatric care and, at times, pharmaceuticals. My ego wasn’t involved, but my experience in this work was. Sure, I lost a paying client, but if my work is to actually help people — my loss was small. Their gain was huge — as time and time again, I’ve had these clients come back to be and offer a great deal of gratitude to me.
This new rash of ‘psychically attuned professionals’ are completely unable to override their lack of experience to identify exactly what’s needed for their client. Rather than pointing them towards the help they need, they bumble around with this affirmation or that ritual as the healing needed, sending a sincerely needy person into deeper despair — now coupled with financial stress from paying out the nose for their shoddy advice.
Integrity is key, no matter what service you have to offer. Being trained and having enough experience work together in this work, as we don’t have standards to go by. We must be aware of what we can do and stop allowing for marginal knowledge to be our new standard for expertise.
Keep learning and offering up the true healing for Source to accomplish. To those interested in working with me, I make it abundantly clear that I am like a PVC pipe for the Universe and all gratitude is to Them. Look for someone to help you who has skills and integrity, not just marketing savvy. They do not have what it takes to help you achieve your “next level”, but are merely capable of taking your money and running off at the mouth at how great they are at visualizing their abundance (and therefore able to do that for you) in their next social media post.
Yes… a bit of a truth bomb this morning!
As our planet moves towards the longest night, reach for the light and uncover what’s true so 2019 delivers a more honest, more capable, more powerful you.
Another school shooting just happened… just like the many, many school shootings lived through directly (if your kid attended, was injured or killed in it), or vicariously and now viscerally as fellow Americans feeling the empathy multiplied by zillions for the families of the many schools where people are being shot to death at an alarming rate.
When Newtown happened, I though for sure we’d do something… those victims were mere babies… But no. Still crickets and ridiculous nonesense about gun rights. It stands to reason that if schools were uteruses there would certainly be some new laws passed ASAP to protect the kiddos inside them, wouldn’t there? The right to own a semi-automatic gun is more important than our kids, I guess.
In the circles I run in, we are… Horrified. Angry & SICK of it.
Given that there’s no value in pointing out the fucking obvious, as far as what could be done in a practical sense, I want to share what YOU CAN DO RIGHT NOW if what you’re feeling is utterly powerless.
Notice that you’re feeling horrified & outraged. Simply notice it.
Stop talking to everyone about it & stop posting on social media your outrage. Just stop.
Notice how that sorrow and negativity feels inside your body — the hateful, blaming, negative energy. Notice it & follow the steps below to finally do something different.
Transform your understandable anger into something entirely new. Move into LOVE.
Sounds just a little ridiculous I bet, but hear me out.
Love is the ONLY solution to this & I’m not talking about “loving” the horrible stuff. If you haven’t noticed, all the vitriol and blame is not working. Is it? To affect change, suspend your feelings about the situation as you perceive it and focus on the area around your heart. It’s called the heart chakra, or 4th energy center. Go there and breathe into it, while you sincerely work on activating a positive emotion. One of love, care, compassion or simply focus on something beautiful.
Focus on the area around your heart and breathe in for a count of 5 while you activate a positive emotion, then release it for a count of 5. Keep doing this breath continuously, until you sense a shift in the energy of your body. It will feel like an opening and there will be some movement throughout your entire body. Allowing yourself to activate a positive emotion, while you slowly breathe into your heart will shift things quickly. It doesn’t take long for this shift to happen, but will add years to your life over time. Three minutes is all you’ll need to sense a shift & you can do this breathing technique many times a day on the really rough days, like now.
Our hearts are the main communicator to the rest of our bodies. Additionally, there’s a brain in your heart that sends signals to your brain as you activate it. If you maintain the negative feelings, your body will continuously send stress signals to your body that there’s something to be wary of, so it bathes your body in stress hormones, which do tons of damage to your system. With this concerted effort to transform the energy in your body, you are supplying your body with hormones that do the opposite.
We are being called to shift our awareness to love and care and as a collective. With practice, we can individually make a difference; first in our own lives and by extension, the world around us. It’s easy to maintain outrage right now, but that doesn’t do anything but maintain the same negative perspective that’s driving our world towards more of the same hateful, negative energy.
Remaining an active resister to abuses of power, hateful rhetoric and the dehumanizing of others becomes far more powerful when you are conscious and focused on solutions that start in your own physical world. We are more energy than matter, so we can address these difficult times by being more determined to lift ourselves up to greater perspectives and better futures in our minds and hearts.
If you are seeking greater support in this behavior, find a practitioner like myself, who can guide you towards better methods of being with these difficulties and transmuting them.
You are capable of great things and the world needs you to be your whole, remarkable self right now. Just think. If you start transmuting the negativity today, you’ll become empowered and by extension, an example to others. The more people who take the initiative to shift, the better. Whatever we are focused on, we get more of. Cultivate energy around the Truth of your being every time you feel inspired to bring more negativity to consciousness. Nip it in the bud. Doing this won’t stop you from being an activist, it won’t mean you don’t care about it either… but it WILL inspire better actions to take to change our situation.
Recently, I read a book by Brene Brown, “Into the Wilderness”. Dr. Brown is a social scientist, which means she does a lot of research to confirm how us human creatures actually feel.
She hits the nail on the head about the Wilderness. It’s the lost, alone, “I’m always disconnected” place most people experience — some of us more than others — and generally where we make stories up about who we are but also a place where our truth lives.
A few months ago I experienced a ‘deep wilderness’ day, sandwiched between a bunch of other similar days, where my only companion was my little Saluki, Madeline. What occured activated every freaking one of my “I’m not wanted” feelings, threw me into an abyss of pain & sadness and was generally a “Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day” (a string of ‘em).
Still, I could feel it coming & in a few ways, I was prepared. The ‘pain’ was actually comical when my husband, just minutes from the Yosemite Natl. Park entrance, plowed into a cow.
You read that right… A two ton cow.
First of all, what was a cow doing there? Secondly, why did he have to hit it?We had just parted from each other’s company after two blissful days hanging around the hot springs in the eastern Sierra mountains. My trip home was well on it’s way when I got a call from him. His truck looked totaled. He was fine. The cow stumbled away & he couldn’t imagine she was ok…
He was gifted a room at a swanky hotel because they were awesome (he hit the cow right in front of the hotel) and I stayed in a shitty La Quinta in Las Vegas to see if I needed to turn back to help him out. All in all, the event was shaping up to be just another money drain. We didn’t know how the cow was, but we knew what was required & he wasn’t hurt — Needless to say, I may have slept better at a rest stop and he would’ve slept better, had I been snuggled up next to him in his fancy room.
The reality “pain” was more about the deductible we have to pay & another delay in his 6 year endeavor to do the impossible on El Capitan in Yosemite, yet the uncertainty, vulnerability & exposure was intense. The following week, the pain involved being removed from a position I volunteer for and LOVED.
The abyss of “I’m not wanted” played over a few times in my poor little head and sucked. This took some doing to transcend, especially once I discovered that due to my commentary on the organization’s behavior towards me someone lost their job. Fuck!.
The year 2017 was “gut wrenching, loss strewn, possessing eloquent sorrow” kind of year. Top these personal things off with the real world fuck show & you could consider me one hot mess.
As a long time consultant, mentor, mother & spiritual resource, I am no stranger to hard earned growth and the true difficulties it provides. As hard as it is to go through, I almost welcome the bumps because of my long experience with transitional events & what profound change they CAN bring.
But let’s not forget the significant outpouring of judgment from others when we are going through shit storms —People who actually say things like; “If you’re so spiritual, why is your life such a mess?” or “We must be aware of consequences & you know, what goes around, comes around (meaning, “You’re an ass, so you deserve this shit & my judgment)” and the stuff like “When you are one with God, none of this will happen anymore. You just need to be saved and everything will smooth out.”
My term for this is “spiritual tyranny”. A suffocating & hateful response from people we ought to be able to depend on for compassion & support but instead are served up this bowlful of bullshit. Brene Brown talks about the importance of belonging and how, when we can find no belonging anywhere, we are in the “wilderness”.
So what about those who feel like they live mostly in the wilderness? The outcasts, the non-accomodating sorts who rarely fit into a social norm for long, yet remain unique and even somewhat attractive…
They are extremely adept at navigating the challenges of life with grace and power even when the folks in their world judge them, talk shit about them or shun them. You will rarely find a complainer in this clan as they tend to be profoundly hopeful and eager for life. They will get the message if treated with judgement or hostility & step way back from intimacy from someone who contributes to forcing the wilderness on them, yet will rarely offer the same treatment. Forgiving… they will be, but they are not foolish. And these are the folks who tend to relate honestly with everyone, even it it’s unpopular.
Now this is the crazy part… Given what’s been happening all over the place, there are more and more wilderness people than ever before!
Outcasts, Misfits and Gypsies may end up being the norm!!
How many people have been “outed” publicly lately? How many people are stepping into the extremely unfamiliar shoes of rebellion, resistance or defiance? How many people have suddenly chosen to step away from toxic relationships, even if they are “family”?
Maybe you’re one of these outliers yourself, or are aspiring to be one because you realize that your integrity is way more important than you previously thought and if you don’t act — you’ll lose it.
Ah, life… it’s a meandering journey and we are all in this together so it’s time to celebrate your unique self & in that way, make a difference. The wonder of your life is never measured by what you own, who you love, what your credit score is or what kind of car you drive. It’s measured by invisible qualities, your actions and reactions to others, your willingness to make mistakes and ability to give something back.
And here’s something amazing; being out cast from the tribe brings freedom. You keep your integrity AND there’s room to fail. You suddenly stop being limited. We tend to fail our way to greatness anyway, so chances are you will try more things, take more risks & feel more gratitude — in general.
It’s time to welcome the Wilderness, rather than shun it. We can be available to others, but no longer a doormat and we can achieve great things because our focus is not cluttered with concern about what other’s think of us…
Not sure where to start this. My heart is so heavy, yet in a way I was prepared for this day. How does one prepare for the unthinkable? Time & awareness were my tools for this preparation. We knew our Red dog was suffering and we were fighting for his life to continue, yet it didn’t. He died on Earth Day.
It’s taken me a few days to settle into this reality, even though I was right there when he died. Just me and a few strangers were witness to his simply falling over and dying.
Death is so final in this physical reality. The core of physical life depends on the heart to pump and the breath of life to course through the little body, or the heart of that life leaves. The soul ascends into non-physical and all that’s left is the shell of the body. A beloved body, but it’s no longer alive.
Just a few years ago, our other Saluki, Mahina died suddenly. Her heart stopped while she was sleeping. My husband woke up with her in his arms, but she was gone. Her warm little body had gone cold. We thought that was enough suffering for one family, until we stumbled onto more when we found out that Red’s heart was double the size it should be this past February. We did all the medical and nutritional protocols to keep him alive, but we had only two more months with him. Still, we felt like he was going to survive for a while longer, even though the prognosis was grim. Dogs are experts at hiding their maladies. Unlike us humans who revel in our weaknesses and wear them like a badge of honor, animals do the opposite.
It’s normal to go through the “could’a, should’a, would’a” scenario of his last moments. For me it’s been, “If I’d only turned left and gone home, but no… I had to stop and walk him around at the Ghost Ranch.” Or, if he’d just stayed home and I remained on the road with our little Madeline, who had gone into heat. His instincts would naturally force a boy into a frenzy of love for her & put unwarranted strain on his already compromised thumper.
But, no… it was his time to go.
My consolation prize is that he went out smiling. He was looking up at me, expectant and loving… walking around the little museum at that ranch where Georgia O’Keefe had lived years ago. He wanted to hump me and I snuggled him, rather than allow for that activity. Took his head in my hands and kissed him between the eyes, then turned away for a moment and he fell over, right there and died. I held him in those moments, disbelieving what was obvious, hoping he’d return and it was just a seizure he was having. Still, in those suspended moments, I knew it was his death I was witnessing. That image is etched in my heart and haunts me now.
Rob & Red, a few days after our Mahina died
Just moments before, he was warm and vital, being my boy, my boy dog. He had this way of prancing next to you, while he looked up at your face. He had just done that with me outside the museum. So full of life and even though we both knew he was compromised, he was totally happy.
When Mahina died, Red’s heart took a terrible hit. She was his girl, his companion, his everything. Much like Rob and his relationship with Mahina. Our ranch is named after her; Mahina O’hana U’i, or “Beautiful Moon Family” … Now, maybe I should name it the Red Moon Family… but I digress. Red is now with her, running after celestial hares. Running like the wind.
Over the past several months, his ability to be himself disappeared. His days were spent lolling on the bed, struggling to breathe some days. He was often listless and quiet; not himself. Not the strong, capable athlete he’d always been, but we fought for him to live with daily medicine, herbs, special food, (literally shoved down his throat) and plenty of filtered water… And of course, constant love. One or the other of us would just hang out with him, while he rested.
Obviously — for the long term, that wasn’t a way for him to live. Our efforts gave Red and both of us, just a few more weeks together. God, we soaked it up! Every walk was meaningful. Every good day was celebrated. Every time he seemed more himself, we were joyous and so hopeful that he would live a few more years.