MARCH 1, 2017
Dreaming of the president this morning felt more like a nightmare. It was like I was walking up endless stairs and I couldn’t get off of them. They kept going higher and more treacherous, but there was no way off.
His 180 turn in last night’s speech to Congress, in terms of how he presented his views and intentions, made me sick. To be honest, I am struggling with the simple fact that I didn’t listen in real time to it. Only after it happened and after my morning dream. Then I merely read the transcript of his speech. To say that I feel angry is putting it mildly. On a level I know it would be wise to want things to go well for this man. He is “my” president, so it’s best for me if he succeeds…
The struggle for me is because I am so against anything he has to say. My mind rejects absolutely everything that comes out of his small mouth & stimulates a feeling of intense disconnect — I know that I am prejudiced towards him. What if he really could help people in our country with his notions of taxing companies & people less, eliminating immigrants, discounting climate change and amping up pipelines’ being built? What if he really does give a shit and I’m being completely biased towards him and this fucked up administration that’s supposed to be mine?
But there’s this. How can an educated, mindful and concerned citizen accept anything he says as honest? Lies are all he has spewed for months. He appears to lie about everything, so much so that he believes his own bullshit. If I’m honest, I simply can’t unravel it all. News sites are visibly trying to be fair, but I can’t — or won’t.
In the early hours this morning, I was restless. Images of such an unwelcome person in my private space were strong, vivid and unsettling. After what felt like hours, I finally threw the covers back and wandered towards the kitchen. It’s like I’m preparing for the news every morning, where our country is thrown into a new wave of cruelty at the hands of this man and his horrible minions. A profound level of separation within our own borders, between citizens, neighbors and families, producing something never seen before in our history.
This morning, I made my coffee and went outside to take in the sunrise, only to find myself wandering through this weird, surreal landscape of a time in my own personal story. In horror, I watched as a former abuser in my life, was elevated to a new height of acceptance by the world, while I — another sorry victim of his abuse — witnessed his elevation and success. The part of my soul that he stole meant nothing. My voice was weak and unheard and usually, isn’t that how it goes? Those who suffer are usually discounted or seen as “collateral damage” or whiney victims. Less human and more a statistic. How many of us are in that category, while people who have stolen, cheated and manipulated others are elevated to heights of power, much like this poor excuse for a leader we now have?
In his speech, he brought attention to the widow of the Navy Seal who was killed during the botched raid in Yeman. While that could be viewed as thoughtful on his part, in my view it was unconscionable. While he brought attention to her pain & tremendous loss, he manipulated the masses to see his action as a lofty symbol of patriotism. Then we all clap for 2+ minutes for this woman, and that will prove how fucking caring we all are. Forget that by most accounts, he put little to no attention towards the enacting of this particular raid or the success of that mission. Then when it went completely wrong, he blamed Obama & the generals involved rather then be accountable. He made the decision, but others are responsible even for that. One can’t argue about his constancy. True to form form, nothing is ever his fault or responsibility. He merely points and shifts to foist the blame elsewhere. Unless he appears amazing, he has nothing to do with it. But, what does that mean for all of us going forward?
Living life in my skin provides a particular kind of challenge. Things happen, I don’t know exactly what the happenings are, but vague details are delivered to me anyway… Then the actual account is heard or seen. This leaves me with something treacherous and uniquely alarming. Are the inner workings distorted and I’m unable to give this guy a chance, or am I being given a truthful account of his very nature and the foresight that we are all going to suffer greatly because of his narcissistic illness? Normalizing this kind of man and his machinations of leadership is what is now occurring and it feels like there’s nothing I can do about that.
Time will tell, but I sure wish that I didn’t have this “gift” of foresight. Psychic, empathic, otherworldly knowing does not comfort me right now.
This is a very personal experience for me, as one of my daughters was groped by Trump when she was only 15. One of the many women he grabbed, but none of that seems important. That event burns in me. Taking my own child’s innocence that way makes him the worst kind of criminal. No part of me feels compelled to be understanding, will not normalize this person’s behavior, cannot accept that he is now the president.
Four years feels like a terribly long time to endure this nightmare. As I actively resist his presidency, pray for truth to be bared for all and insist on his being called to account for his crimes on humanity, I suffer the nightly visits from a person who I despise.
That’s what’s most alarming to me. The feeling I have towards someone I have never met. Hatred is not a familiar feeling in this little body of mine, but right now — this morning — it’s where I’ve landed. This is my struggle & my opportunity.
Somehow I must remember this man I find repugnant does have a small light of truth within him somewhere.
It’s only 9 am, so maybe I’ll be able to rise above this today.
Maybe.
