This is how I feel today… and it’s almost over, which is a good thing.

We have two dogs, well… Salukis, more like. Desert dogs who require as much attention as a child under regular circumstances, but while the female has been in heat… it’s like toddlers on crack.

No, really!!

After raising way too many kids on my own, the last thing I wanted was to engage in yet more young things that require 100% attention, 100% of the time.

Our recent method for dealing with the overarching needs of these animals while the female is in heat was to keep them separated as much as possible. That effort didn’t do much for the male who is beside himself with desire to act instinctively – and get laid. The female is also a bit needy that way, but she seems to be less weird about it… Still, both of them haven’t been eating much so I’ve taken to roasting large quantities of meat for the boy and my husband is taking the girl to the mountains for a break from it all.

Phew.

On top of that, we have our 2 year old granddaughter staying with us for a few days, which is pure joy but also an incredible amount of attention needs to go in her direction. Of course.

Today, we made our way to the Roaring Camp Railroad to take a ride on a “choo-choo” train. But it was “too loud” according to Mira, so she spent the first part of the trip with my shawl wrapped around her head, which was buried into my breasts… Then after a small break, she opened up and seemed to get the hang of it all. All the while, the male Saluki was in the car, which I had to park a great distance away from the starting point of the ride on the choo-choo train so there was shade for him while he waited… Tutu (That’s what Mira call me) had to carry her.

My back is tired.

How did I do it?! How did I manage to raise 5, sometimes 6 kids?? Incredible that one forgets what goes into raising a child, but I have. I’m flumoxed as to how it was done, certain that I fucked up royally and I only hope that my kids forgive me for being lame as a mama (if they thought as much)…

It’s really hard work, I have to say, so I’m fairly sure that I messed up somewhere… as Mira is a task master and showing me tons. She’s clear to a fault about what’s ok and what’s not… dissolving into tears only twice … but still, she’s done that and it’s heart wrenching to see her loose it. Oh, the pain she has on her face! And frankly, I don’t know what started it, both times. Clearly, I did something wrong, but I couldn’t tell you what.

Finally, my youngest son is turning 21 on Sunday. He is the human for the male saluki, Red, but I offered to take him for the weekend (much to the chagrin of my poor husband) as I know that its what’s best for my son and the dog. Not sure why it’s so meaningful, but I do know that it is.

Where does the psychic grandma come into all this? Not sure, but nothing I end up doing is for nothing.

You see, what I know for certain is that we are loved … so deeply it’s painful. There is nothing that we do that’s actually “wrong” and we are safe. Completely so.

Regardless, my human self feels like she’s on hold again. Much like when I was a young mother… Friends of mine are traveling to amazing places this summer, having the time of their lives… they have enough money or resources to do it and DON’T have salukis to tend to.

Me. I’m here, wondering when I will get the time to can the case of apricots that will soon be rotten (That’s for one of my kids’ wedding), or finish that project for work that needs attention?

One question. Will I ever travel with my husband to Europe, or somewhere exotic or spend time meditating all day long? Now it’s his turn to have a “child” and I’m in for the long haul…

So… long expanses of time without being responsible, um, that doesn’t seem to be in the cards.

sigh…

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