The frequency of change is always in the air. The obvious cycle of the year shows us year after year how we crave change. Season changes brings fresh possibility, even when it’s a shift towards winter. Seems like we just like change, especially when it comes to seasons… but so many people – you possibly – often feel that change is to be avoided.
Right now the crisp air of autumn is a luscious & welcome scent… but not that long ago I was enthralled with fresh spring air that welcomed my day. Now, the early evening light is incredible… sunsets are vivid but just a few months back I was over the moon about the late, late evenings I was enjoying outside.
Lately, my life seems chaotic. People reach out to me for a number of reasons, or I wake up in the early hours of the day with pain in my body – enough pain to get me up, out of bed. I’m unsettled and restless, feeling a change happening. What is actually shifting is unknown, just that something in me is doing some moving around.
Living life, aware and clear about who I actually am hasn’t been an easy thing. For many years I did my best to fit into the world and stay below the proverbial radar because on some level I felt concerned about being “found out”. Now that I’ve accepted myself for all that I can do, life has become just a bit more intense and forces me to express truth in all my relations.
Serving truth means to me, many things. Foremost is that I am unable to sit in a room where there are hidden agendas, or have one lurking inside of me. Space seems to fold in on itself and suddenly I’m tossing around, as though someone threw a wave in my path… up and down, swirling around in a sea of turbulence that unseats me. I’m lucky if I notice it happening before I get a headache, but often it’s after the fact that I wake up to the nature of my discomfort.
Just the other day I found myself in such a state. I couldn’t get out of there quick enough and was clearly upset, but couldn’t understand the cause of the upset. Was it the meeting I just attended? Were there “untruths” being thrown around? Or was my discomfort due to the unfolding drama going on around me, drama that had nothing to do with me being or not being present?
Rather than do all the many errands that I could’ve done that night, I drove around town, took care of a few things I had to do for “business as usual” and quickly made my way home … all the while feeling unsettled and wonky.
Home is also an interesting thing. It’s not really my home. In fact, it’s been years since I was in a place that I felt at home – really at home. Five years ago on October 31st, my precious home was sold. This was a structure where my 5 children were raised, a house that I bought after I divorced my first husband and so much life happened there. Since then I have felt more like a vagabond, living in places, but not really being home in a practical sense. Still, I have been more anchored in myself than ever before.
My current home is someone else’s home. It’s beautiful, with craftsman like wood & stone work all over and large enough to house many, even though it’s just six of us. Me, my husband, my youngest child, two salukis and a kitty. Everything that I sit on, sleep on and work with are actually the owners of this property’s possessions. Living here is like living in a hotel, indefinitely. The feeling of home doesn’t really exist here; it’s more like stopping off for a bit at an inn. Still, coming back here was all I could think about after that meeting.
The normal things that happen in my life, happened that night. My son came home from his day, the dogs were lounging on their respective beds, the kitty was meowing and underfoot, my husband came home exhausted as usual. Nothing was different, other than I was unseated and uncomfortable.
The next day I just got going and didn’t focus on work, but on going to visit my husband at the job site he’s been working at. Of course, that wasn’t an easy feat. Many phone calls early on, the owner’s cat scratching for food, email and voice mails to respond to before I got in my car… then there was no gas in the car to speak of, so a lengthy detour into a mountain town was made, just to drive back up a huge hill to the property. Once there, I delivered coffee and treats to the people working there… and a bag of my varied and delicious jars of jam. A nice conversation was enjoyed, then I hopped back in my car to drive down the hill to give a session to someone who is actively dying.
The entire day felt like I was swimming in a sea of confusion, but I was still open and present for whatever it was I was to do. How was I to serve truth today? It was the first day in many weeks where I didn’t focus on the volume of busy work that makes up my job, but just on where I should go to serve truth. The upset of my day before was over and I simply listened carefully to the guidance that was now coming to me.
It’s like this when I give space for guidance. No destination, just one place to the next. Open hearted and expectant. The swirly discomfort of the day before, provided something valuable to me. Perspective.
Spending time with a woman who is sick and dying was remarkable. It is why I’m here. To soothe and inform others of what’s happening to them. It’s not “me” so much, as what I’ve learned to allow to move through me. Loving guidance that embraces the soul and soothes people, most of the time. In this case I was there to help dissolve darkness and send it back to Source for her. She is tired, so I was guided and allowed to be that for her. Part of that allowance was hers, but some is the Universe who trust me to be their messenger and resource to those who are suffering.
The previous day of discomfort was over, as I said and now I was into the next place, knowing fully that what happened the day before would be made clear to me in it’s own sweet time.
The call came at 5:30 pm and I realized why I was so confused before, even though nothing was shared in a practical sense. Simply, I knew that forces at work that upset me would be revealed soon. That happened the following day (or, yesterday), in a casual conversation with one of the people at that meeting.
The point of all of this is to explain the nature of how truth unfolds and how to be in the “not knowing” anything absolute, until it’s revealed. The time between the actual clarity and the event that produced a change or shift, that’s the magic time. The time where faith is cultivated and improved.
In a nutshell… change is a constant, but how we approach change is where we become more aware. For me, I know that I don’t have control over anything. I could lose everything I love in a moment, so I have learned not to concern myself with worldly details so much. Where I do posses a level of control, is how I respond to life. My path became clear as a bell a few years ago and since then, even though I was homeless and broken in a practical sense, my spiritual life was thriving and expansive. It still is.
My position in the Universe had been illuminated to me and I believed it completely – and finally. No longer was I a human who felt she had to skulk around in the shadows. I was finally free to step into my abilities with confidence and haven’t looked back.
Even when people view me as someone who isn’t full of clarity, but just a lady with nutso hair, it no longer matters to me. My confidence in who I serve; the Universe, is stabilized by my sense of how it loves me infinitely. My only goal is to continue to serve so that I keep deserving such love.
All that matters to me now, is the entire Universe…
Change is a constant… Who you be in that change, well that’s up to you.
This came through me yesterday, in a post on another blog. (Hanash-Tyrasea)
“Enlightenment is not found because you have sorrow, rather it is found because you face it.”
I like this statement. It rings true.